I know you won’t be able to read this and I probably won’t say this to you. i wish I had the courage to tell you everything I’m about to write but it isn’t easy. Not at all. It isn’t easy to think that my last words to you will make very little sense to you now. I wish you could comprehend these thoughts I’m about to write and the feelings I’m about to finally reveal.

You gave me your short temper; the anger that builds up when something doesn’t go my way. Or the way I get defensive against anything. You gave me your bossiness. I love telling people what to do just like you. You gave me your stubbornness. I refuse to not get the last laugh about anything. Everything I hated about you is exactly how I am. 

I can remember waiting until my siblings were asleep just so you can bring me to Wendy’s. I remember after school, I would wait for your truck outside of the ice cream house parking lot and I would run there just to make it in time for you to buy me ice cream. I remember all the summer days spent in the swimming pool with you, just you and me. I remember the bike rides we would go on. I remember all the times I would tag along with you just cause. One of my favorite things to do as a child was to go grocery shopping with you. You always had food cravings and you would let me get everything I wanted. You used to spoil us and get us anything we wanted. You used to buy us anything we wanted to eat. Thank you for always taking us on trips as kids. Thank you for always taking care of us and attempting to cook because mom was at work. Thanks for the McDonald’s breakfast all the time. 

I’m sorry for being mean. I’m sorry for whenever I yelled at you out of frustration. I’m sorry that my temper would get out of control. I’m sorry that I would wish mean things upon you. I’m sorry for always ignoring you and thinking of you as a burden. I’m sorry for not taking care of you when you needed it.

I love you regardless of our past and present. I love you for being a damn good father when you were. And I know it was the medicine and illnesses that did this to you. I don’t blame you for acting the way you did in the past. Thank you for being so caring and loving even though you couldn’t show it. Thank you for your advice on cars and always trying to prove me right (which you always were right). Thank you for always teaching me how to do complete certain tasks like how to do things at the bank by myself, how to put in gas, how to clean my car and how to handle the bills. I love you even though I couldn’t say it. 

Lately, it’s been hitting me so damn hard. I wanna be strong but my heart and chest feels so heavy. I wanna give up and cry all the time but I know mom needs me. I know she needs the support. 

I can’t wait until you get out and we can go to Sedona. Just like you wanted. 

Happy 4 years of laughter, good food and endless love. Bub, thank you for always loving me regardless of my bad attitude and extra baggage. Though we haven’t yet met our goals, I know this year we will. This year were gonna be celebrating all the holidays and birthdays together in our own place 🙂 Bub, we will definitely get there no matter what. I can’t wait to share a future with you and go through life together. It’s crazy that we met eachother at such a young age! It’s crazy because I feel like we’ve grown up together and matured together. Every tough situation, I’ve gone through it with you by my side and vice versa. Almost all my best memories are with you and I can’t wait for the ones were going to make for the rest of our lives. Loving you is so easy (even when you’re annoying) 😜 I’m so so lucky that my better half and best friend is the love of my life! Everyday, I always think about how lucky I am and how happy I am in this relationship. I feel like we’ve reached the point where we truly know that there is no one else we would rather be with for the rest of our lives and living with the thought of that makes it so easy to love eachother and get along. Fighting is just a small little spark of excitement hehe. At the end of the day, actually no just an hour later, we realize how annoying we were. I’m so grateful to have found someone who treats me so genuinely well. I’m lucky that I found someone who loves me 100% for who I am (annoying and bossy and impatient lol 🙂) and for what I’m not. I love you bub, for everything you are. I love your kindness and fluffy heart. I love your silliness and the ability to not take life too seriously. I admire the way you look at life and how patient you can be with not only me but everyone else. I admire your outlook on situations that I know I would instantly blow up in. I admire the way you put other people first, especially me, before caring for yourself. Bub, thank you for always giving me the benefit of the doubt and always doing what I want just to make me happy. Thank you for the endless target trips and trips to Tj maxx that you hate! Thanks for always going with me to certain food places because I’m a brat and won’t eat anything else. Thank you for always picking me up and dropping me off when I don’t feel like driving. And thanks for always feeding me and making sure my tummy is full ☺️ I love you bub and I already can’t wait for the next year were gonna have together! You’re the love of my life, my heart and my soul and my bestest friend forever. Happy 4 years lovey!

I was more ready this summer than I am now. I was ready to accept the fact that he was going and that things were going to change forever. I was ready to take off from school and put my life on hold for a few years. Now, I’ve started new projects and I’ve committed to things. It’s hard to accept this once again because it’s hard to be selfless. It’s hard for me to put my success on hold because I’ve wanted this for so long. I feel like it’s almost selfish of them for me to stop what I’m doing. I was more ready before than I am now. Now, I don’t feel ready. Not even close.

I worked for everything last year. The new car was all me, I worked my way through college to pay for my tuition, I worked 2 jobs and went to school full time, I worked those shitty, long hours to be able to give myself the things I want. Every god damn bill I have, I pay it. I can’t wrap my mind around the thought of anyone ever helping me out. I’m so proud of myself and I’m so glad I did it all by myself.

2015 wasn’t my year. It was actually one of the worst years. I feel like I’ve been hit with some of the most horrible news this year and I’ve been put in the hardest situations I’ve had to overcome. I struggled in school more than ever, I almost lost my dad, I struggled financially almost almost every month, I struggled with loving myself, I struggled with loving anyone and right now, I’m close to losing my dad again. Countless times I’ve felt like I had everything I could ever need and then that moment only lasted a second. I’ve come to realize on the last day that this is the most amount of times I’ve asked myself if it’s really worth it. I realized that no one is really there for me but I’ve forced them to be. I’ve realized that life isn’t perfect. And as I spend this last night alone, I find myself wondering if anything I did this year made me happy and if it was even worth all the struggling. Hopefully 2016 is much better.

I wish you were more present as I grew up. I wish you were there to teach me about body confidence, boys and puberty. I wish you were there during my first step into womanhood and I wish you were there to tell me it’s normal. I wish you were there to love me as a child and show me what true compassion is. I wish I figured out how to use my emotions instead of hide them like you taught me to. I wish I learned how to be kind but with you, I learned how to be cold and closed off. I wish I had a friend who I could trust and someone who I could admire.

I tried to build that relationship but I figured out that it’s too late now. With all the damage, there’s nothing left to fix. Instead of being a mother, you were my worst critic. You helped me learn what insecurities really were as you pointed out each time I had gained a few pounds. You taught me how to be argumentive as I needed to be so whenever you would degrade me. You taught me how to be self-taught. You didn’t teach me anything. I taught myself. I taught myself how to use my emotions. I taught myself to be compassionate at all times. I taught myself that your number one supporter is always yourself.

shipsnamedenterprise:

*planet explodes* *removes one earbud* what

(Source: sweetrevelation, via 270396)

I post about how miserable I am and I feel like I’ve been doing too much of that lately.

I feel a little more content. Currently thinking about how grateful I should be. I have a home, a car, a stable job, somewhat of an education and I’m able to provide for myself regarding food, personal bills and fulfilling a want every paycheck. I’m grateful that I’m starting to get back on track and not feel as anxious. I’m grateful that I have a weight lifted off my shoulders. Money isn’t everything and I’m just now realizing that.

I absolutely cannot stand men who degrade women and who talk about women as if they’re an object they can just throw sexual remarks at. I work with two guys who constantly belittle every woman that walks by. Whether it be criticizing her looks or being a fucking disgusting pig about her body, they always have something to say that is just unnecessary. I always comment on how gross and stupid they are after every remark, making sure they know what they’re doing is wrong. I’ve witnessed them harass a younger girl and make her uncomfortable. I watched her body language and the way she picked her phone up right away but not to tell a friend about how excited she is about the two guys hitting on her but because she felt so awkward and uncomfortable in that moment. I noticed it right away because I once was that young girl. After being harassed various times at work, I came forward and was automatically shut down. I was 17 at the time and I was being harassed every damn day by a fucking 60 year old. I was told that he wanted to spank me and that my boyfriend was lucky. He even tried to stick things between my legs yet I was treated like I was the problem.   I was constantly told that it was a compliment and that I needed to prepare myself for when I would turn legal. And you know the people who told me that? They were shitty teenager boys who would do the same to any girl and a 40 year old man who hired any girl he thought was cute. The only people who found something wrong with it was my brother’s manager at the neighboring restaurant and my supervisor who was also being harassed by this old fucking freak. Both by the way are women. Moral of the story is that it’s never okay to not do something about sexual harassment especially if the victim feels intimidated and its never okay to make someone feel that way or make them feel like they’re at fault. 

I want u to be affectionate and show me off I want u to compliment me and appreciate me I want u to feel proud of me I want all ur approval even when I don’t need it